The Uninvited Guest

Have you ever been at an event and you are having a great time up until that one person shows up (and sometimes brings their plus one named Drama)? It seems like they slide in from some side door and immediately disrupts your vibe. They come in stirring up confusion and they always leave with a "To Go" plate. The first thing that usually comes to mind is, "Who invited them"?

Thats how I feel about the persistent uninvited presence of "Mom Guilt" that seems to show up the moment you become a mother. You feel it during your breastfeeding sessions, when you are meal prepping, when making educational choices, while at work and even in those rare moments of self care. That feeling is something you know all too well. It causes you to sit and wonder each time it shows up, who made the guest list?

Mom Guilt is that inner voice that whispers or sometimes shouts from the rooftops that you are not enough or that you aren't doing enough. Often times we find ourselves trying to be a replica of the world's most beloved television moms. The ones who seemed to have all the answers and the best heart to heart moments with the very valuable life lesson at the end of the episode. Reality is, life as a mother doesn't always run as scripted. For generations, mothers have been romanticized as selfless nurturers, always putting heir families first. Then by the time you add Social Media to the mixing bowl - where we are constantly fed highlight reels of picture perfect parenting - the pressure multiplies.

But it's not just external. A lot of this guilt comes from within. We hold ourselves hostage with our own negative self talk and the conversations seem to badger us like we are hostile witnesses in the court of parenting on whether or not we are enough. Are we patient enough, smart enough, equipped enough, resilient enough, wife enough, sister enough, daughter enough, friend enough....ugh it can be exhausting! We want to be everything to everyone. The present parent, the loving partner, the successful professional, the supportive friend and maybe, just maybe, a person who also sleeps or showers.

Unfortunately, while some may believe that Mom Guilt can lead to better parenting as you strive to check all the boxes, the truth is, most times it doesn't. It usually leads to burnout, resentment, and an interesting sense of inadequacy that lingers like a stinky diaper blowout!

It steals the joy from the moments that matter and tries to make us believe that we are not enough when in fact we are. In my current season of "starting over" after leaving a toxic situation that no longer served us, I am finding it hard to be patient when my children are asking for things that are currently not in the budget. They don't understand the behind the scenes things of bills, expenses and other aspects of what makes a house run with two parents and definitely not now with one. Some days I find myself turning up the negative self talk on how I should have had a better plan or asking did I make the right decision to walk away with almost nothing. Then I am reminded that this is a transition for all of us. For as much as I need to be patient with them as they learn to adjust, I need to muster up just as much grace and patience for myself.

So the question then becomes, how do we navigate in our moments of Mom Guilt?

First, Release the myth of perfection and challenge the narrative. When guilt shows up, ask yourself is this accurate for more than just this moment? You don't have to do it all, be it all, or carry it all every single day. Being a good mom doesn't mean being perfect. It means being present, showing love and offering grace. Remind yourself that you are enough on your good days as well as your messy unorganized ones.

Second, remember the term, "It takes a village" because it really does. Beyond the village helping to care for your children, your village is there to help care for you as well - so lean in to it. While we honor the strength of the strong women who came before us, the "Strong Black Mom" narrative can feel like a trap. Because when strength is expected 24/7 Your children need to also see what it looks like to rest and to ask for help. There is strength in that too. Talk to other moms who get it. Sometimes saying "I'm tired" to someone who really sees you is all you need.

Lastly, invite a paradigm shift to your days. You are mothering in a world that often asks for you to be everything all at once...You are raising your babies with love and wisdom, while navigating a society that doesn't always see them - or you - fully. That's not light work, it's sacred work. Let go of the pressures of being superwoman every single day. That cape can wait. Some days, success in motherhood can be a clean kitchen and well balanced organic meals, other days it can be everyone fed and loved - and that's more than okay. Your babies need your love. But they also need to see what it looks like when a woman loves herself, too.